Today's work - practice being the alchemist. Can I turn the led - the dense, dark weight of a recent situation/story in my life into gold? 

I have pushed edges + comfort zones these past couple of weeks. The past 3 months have seen vast amounts of growth, I would like to say bigger than ever before but I don't know if that's true in this journey. It's the next layer, the next cycle, I don't recall what the last ones felt like anymore because they've essentially left me. Right here in this moment, it's feels like leaps + bounds of exploration of the self + with that comes parts of myself that I don't necessary like rising to the surface. A lot of darkness. 

My instant reaction when I say parts I don't like about myself is to sugar coat it over + act as if judgement, triggers + pain don't exist. I don't judge. I don't get triggered. I'm healed. Bullshit - and I've been calling myself out on my own bullshit these past couple of days a lot.

Tantra is something I have been very curious about these past few years + have mildly explored. I've worked with a tantra coach, attended puja's, become obsessed with David Deida's books + the polarities of the masculine and the feminine.....my curious nature being fully fed. I decided to take the next step, pushed out of my comfort zone + landed at a tantra temple. 

The evening was surreal, one of those experiences where you're not really sure if it was a dream or reality. Even as I am writing this I am questioning - did that really happen?

It did happen + there was bliss, connection, opening + presence but in the days proceeding there was also a lot of darkness, questioning, triggers + judgement. Judging the parameters of relationships, individuals, what is acceptable for others, how I feel about situations. Judgement. 

Me fully in my ego. 

And the truth is we only really judge others when we are judging ourselves - ultimately I was judging myself. Why can't I be that open, why can't I allow myself to get caught up in the moment, fully flow with the energy around me. Recognize that we/I am a sexual being, we are primal, instinctual. A species that has been roaming the planet for billion of years that is in it's current state of evolution. Why can't I fully accept this weaving of energy's within me?

Well, because I have been told not to. Society has told me not to, my specific belief systems + conditioning has told me not to. 

I was triggered + I judged....the beauty - the gold? I became aware of my judgement + triggers + in that caused an unravelling. A questioning of everything. 

All the triggers + judgements have shown me exactly what needs to be healed within myself. It's shown me where I might be living through somebody else's ideals. The bs that has been placed on me. An inner exploration. An opportunity for me to look at what isn't really true. Some beliefs that I thought were accurate, that I thought were right. Unravelled. A reconnection to what it is that I actually believe + desire. My hearts truest desires. Unbecoming of all the things I’ve been told + connecting deeper to the self. The raw, real, unravelled self. 

There is freedom in recognizing that the beliefs you believed to be true can shift. That we are constantly changing, evolving, shifting. What felt good yesterday might not today. What we believed yesterday can shift today. We are in constant motion. Beliefs will shift. Boundaries will shift. What has always been my way of thinking doesn't always have to be. Nothing is forever, everything is temporary. What feels right for me is completely different from what feels right for the next person. Nothing is ever the same twice.

This journey is about learning more + more about the self. Digging in, sitting with, letting in + letting go.

Unbecoming, unlearning, unraveling.

In my judgement + triggers I unravelled, I shifted, I unlearned what was never mine to begin with. 

I cracked open a little more. 

I turned darkness into gold.

We often repress the dark aspects of the self, making them bigger than they actually are. What would happen if you sat with them, dug into them + saw the medicine in them? 

What if you turned the darkness into gold?